Activity is my refuge, control is my defense, and intellect is my escape.

It takes me a little while to work through things.

I am not too quick off the mark in that sense. Activity is my refuge, control is my defense, and intellect is my escape.

I have anticipated my father's death since his first stroke on the 11th of January 2006 - it left his left limbs paralyzed and placed significant strain on an already weakened heart and lungs. At that early stage I knew that it was serious, but he did manage to recover a large measure of mobility and independence in spite of this disability. Sadly, however, he suffered a number of less severe strokes in the two years that followed, and developed a form of epilepsy that broke his confidence.

As those who have seen their parents age would know, it is heartbreaking to see one's father growing weaker.

He had a fall two weeks ago and fractured some vertebrae which meant that he had to be confined to bed for some weeks. The lack of movement placed fatal strain upon his lungs and heart. And so, he died.

I heard the news of his death with shock. Even expectation cannot do away reality. I had spoken to him just a day or so earlier and I knew that he was not well. I had, however, not anticipated that he would decline so quickly.

So, feeling the pain, I did what I do with pain. I pushed it aside and began to organize and arrange things. Megan, Courtney, Liam and I were in Durban on holiday, so I got us packing and we drove straight back to my mom's house in Johannesburg. Thankfully my brother Robin and his wife Mandy, and my sister Sueann were already there. Along the way I made arrangements...

I was shocked by my own lack of emotion. I know that I am sad, but I could not cry. I thought about this. Then I 'processed' it. I thought about the chemicals that would be released within my brain, and would spread throughout my body. I considered what neurons would be firing, what parts of the neuro-endocrine system would be kicking into action... I considered Elisabeth Kubler Ross' stages of grief, from 'On death and dying', and tried to place myself within various stages... It is silly, I know, but it is who I am, and how I am.

Today, however, I felt the sadness overcoming me. It started when I uploaded the photo of my dad. As I write this I am crying. It feels good! I am relieved. The tears are soothing. There is a sense of appreciation and value in feeling the pain that testifies to love.

I will take a bit of time out just to 'feel' these emotions. I will think, remember, and pray...

So, a little less organisation today, time to give over some of the control, I will do my best not to 'process' or 'understand' what I am feeling. Time to simply 'be'. I think that's OK for now.